As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For November 2021, the quote was “Broken crayons still color.”

As a kid, the 64-count crayon box with the sharpener in the back was the ultimate. The precise points. The colors. The endless artistic possibilities. It was all about the variety.

Inevitably over time favorite crayons got worn down. The paper was ripped down for sharpening. And eventually, snap!, a break. Over time the pristine set would look rather worn out. A hodgepodge of points, partially wrapped nubs, and naked bits. As I thought about the crayons, I remembered the feeling of wanting to replace the colorful nubs with pristine new ones as if they colored better.

Quotes I wrote down throughout the month included:

• “It comes from the inside out”
• “Anti-fragile”
• “Dedication to finding happiness every damn day”
• “People inspire people and become part of their DNA”
• “Make a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait patiently”
• “Micro-affirmation”
• “In a world of Barbies, everyone needs a Joan Jett”
• “Spark energy”
• “Frientor – friend + mentor”
• “The celebration of personal expression”
• “Love defies all science and reason”
• “Systematize serendipity”
• “Constantly seek adventure and magic”
• “A truth was unlocked in me and I couldn’t wait to live it out”
• “The punctuation of one’s truth”
• “Courage to reveal your true voice”

As I reviewed the quotes I jotted down throughout November, what stood out was the focus on people and having the space to be ourselves in a joyful way.

As I think about the people in my life who mean the most – from family and friends to close teammates and mentors, it’s those who display the wear and tear of life that I gravitate to. Those who expose their torn wrappers and broken bits. Those who are authentic and own all of who they are – and what it took to get where they are and who they are.

Yet for so long at work, I tried to be the pristine crayon. My wrapper a black suit and sensible pumps. But over time, the energy to appear “put together” kept me detached. Detached as a leader setting a false expectation for my team of what was needed to succeed. Detached from my clients due to my internal pressure to show I had all the answers. Detached from deeper relationships as I hid my torn wrapper. Detached from who I was at the core.

I think these quotes also reinforced my personal and professional work centered on diversity, equity, and inclusion. Reading Ijeoma Oluo’s “So You Want to Talk About Race” and Arthur Wood’s “Hiring for Diversity: The Guide to Building an Inclusive and Equitable Organization” this month reminded me how I felt bound up focused on my wrapper and challenged my habitual thinking/actions that prevented others from making their mark. For me, it means pausing to ask:  Am I acting/thinking on auto pilot? How can I encourage individuality? Who else can I invite? Are my words welcoming? Do my actions align to my intent? What am I overlooking due to my color and background? The authors made it clear just how much better we are together when we have variety.

My journey to be more accepting of myself and others has been colorful. I quit a fast-track job. I defined and redefined boundaries. I put vulnerability ahead of image. I said “yes, and” more. I screwed up, owned it, and learned. I won awards and lost big deals. I danced at team parties. I said no. I sent thank you notes. I took medical leave twice. I shared my power with others. I asked questions – a lot of questions. I knitted. Basically, I surrounded myself with others who were also vibrantly tattered building a compassionate network… and together we helped change the world. Seriously.

But most importantly, before I could do all of that, I first accepted my path wasn’t the “standard” way and proceeded forward with more bounce in my step coloring outside of the lines.

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For October 2021, the quote was “Leave a few cracks in your knowledge so wonder can breathe.”

This quote found me after I made wonder a priority. You see, in the masterclass I’m in we had an exercise to identify an emotion we’d like more of in our life. After much list making of words and discernment, I chose wonder. For me wonder represents a curiosity, a child-like delight, a sense of magic. I equate it a bit to the Lost Boys – the older we get the less wonder we have. Our experience, preconceived notions, and habits take over. While the adult lens might make things more efficient, it can dull the senses.

Some of the phrases I collected over the 31 days of October include:

• Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
• Explore habits of the mind
• I still believe in the light and what it makes of us
• Act in your possibility
• Generous authority
• I knew there was a way but I didn’t know the way
• The great turnaround
• I see you; I am here
• The difference between fact and thought
• We don’t see the world as it is but rather as we are
• What stories are you writing and rewriting in your head because of false beliefs?
• Humor and awe
• The gift of boredom is a luxury
• Close the gap between our intent and our impact
• I can only learn if I avail myself to others
• Make purpose your bouncer
• Wake up to your life

Wonder helped me get more comfortable with not having the answer. Wondered helped me be more open to possibility. Wonder caused me to ask better questions. Wonder had me invite new people to the conversation. Wonder enabled me to take time in meetings to connect more with attendees. Wonder helped me be more playful.  

In addition to seeking wonder as a state, I also used the word as a prompt. Rather than take an action on auto pilot or make an assumption based on history, I paused and asked “I wonder if…?” This simple question opened up my thinking, enabled me put down baggage that blocked my view, let me step toward more fun, reduce my worry. Each time I stepped into a space of wonder I was rewarded.

And as if to thank me for focusing on wonder, my month ended with a day of wonderment. My 50^th birthday that was filled with a surprise visit of seven out-of-town friends. I ignored my watch for the day. I sang out loud to Prince. I ordered all the pizza and ate all the cake. I didn’t monitor my emotions – from tears to crying laughter. I fully listened without worrying about a response. I danced on a stripper pole in the party van. I made a wonderful wish.

I appreciate the permission this quote gave me to embrace my imagination and step into a state of playful wonder… and hope you take time to wonder what this quote means to you.

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For September 2021, the quote was “Your quest is powerful. You needn’t apologize for the space it takes.”

I think this quote spoke to me for a variety of reasons. I was coming out of three months being the primary caregiver for both my parents due to my mom’s medical emergency and dad’s advancing dementia. I was stepping back into work after 12-months away. I was focused on my goal to coach and write more. I liked its symbolism of our journey as a quest. That it’s about the search – that we don’t need to have all the answers. There was something I seemed to be looking for, and I liked the endorsement this quote gave me to make my search and growth a priority.

Some of the phrases I collected over the 30 days of September included:

• The flame of inquiry
• The wound is where light enters you
• What mountain will we expect to bow down?
• Always work on something uncomfortably exciting
• Joy is in the messiness
• Provide space and grace
• What will build the greatest ripple effect?
• There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way
• There is so much we can let go of without losing a thing
• Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it
• Your soul is here to grow

With the month behind me, I think I did well on my quest. I had more personal conversations at work about the shift I felt coming out of my leave. I started a new certification to become a mindfulness facilitator which will serve my career goals and build a habit as a practitioner. I wrote five blogs. I explored volunteering with the American Heart Association. I celebrated 19 years married. I set up a workspace outside where I feel more at peace, and more like me of the me I want to be. I spoke at church on rekindling faith as a caregiver (18 minute mark). I appreciate the permission this quote gave me to more boldly step forward on the quest that is me… and I hope it helps empower you.

Onward!

The last week of each month I prep for the next month. I set aside time, pick some good music, light a scented candle, pull out my colored markers, and grab my planner.

Each month, I select a quote to set the tone – and below it I leave space to capture quotes (from books, shows, memes, poems, or friends) that grab my attention throughout the month. I’ve done this for more than 2 years. I find that it centers me for the month and makes me more attentive to words in the nearly 7 hours of Zoom calls I have daily as an executive coach and change communications consultant. I’m constantly listening for a phrase that stirs me.

At the end of each month, I re-read my quote, review the captured phrases, think about how the month went (or didn’t go), and begin to think about the next month. For me it’s a way I reflect on the last 30 days of life, which has been especially helpful in the blurry times of COVID.

As part of my work on the Christian Formation Committee (think Sunday School planning) at Westminster Presbyterian Church, the Associate Pastor asked me to speak at the kick-off of our new program year, for which the theme is rekindle. The year-long program is based on Bible verse 2 Timothy 1:6 – “For this reason I remind you to rekindle the gift of God that is within you through the laying on of my hands; for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline.”

The quest to speak came after a tumultuous time of 12 weeks of unexpected family medical leave…

In June my quote was, “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.” Never could I have envisioned how poignant this quote would become. You see I was home visiting my parents once we were all vaccinated, and I witnessed my mother have a heart attack. I called 911, which ended up in an ambulance ride, then a medivac ride, and then open heart surgery for 5 bypasses. (I’ll pause now to share she’s doing great and crushing her cardiac rehab.) Everything in June became about “building the new” – her newly rebuilt heart and protecting it. As my mother said, “I need to do right by the care team and do the best I can with what they built inside me.” 

Supporting phrases I wrote down that month included:

• A quantum leap is something you’re prepared to do
• You are a miracle
• Hope
• He speaks to God so normally
• You can’t breathe when you’re holding your breath
• Miracle is a process, not an event
• Be proud of the scars on your skin
• May the Holy Spirit keep you in perfect peace

Still on leave from work and living at my parents, the July quote I found was “The worst battle I ever fought was between what I knew and what I felt.” During the month, I shifted from all out crisis mode into building and supporting an adjusted normal – from mom’s care to dad’s advancing dementia. It was a balancing act. A few of the quotes I captured included:

• You do not need to set yourself on fire to get other people warm
• The risk of standing still
• Be the youest you that ever you’d
• Spend your privilege, it’s limitless
• Be a highlighter in a sea of pencils
• You are made of pixie dust
• Your mistakes don’t define you, your lessons do
• Accept the grace

Then came August, and we accomplished mom’s big medical goal set in the hospital – move rehab to the beach for our annual family vacation. We did it… 60 days post-surgery and our toes were in the sand in awe of her care team, grateful for the more than 50 deliveries of food from her church (Williamsburg Presbyterian Church), and toasting life.

My August quote?  “Today, I want you to think about all you are instead of all you are not.”  Quotes I captured include-

• Stop yelling at your anxiety and listen to it
• Beloved
• A calm heart and self-control are necessary if one is to obtain good results
• Words are temporary, intent is momentous
• Surrender
• God sent you on an assignment to be you, don’t let anyone else give you an assignment
• The gospel will arrive nameless… it usually lands like a butterfly – quick and quiet… when we let it in, it needs no introduction. We need to get it from our intellect into our bones.
• Provide an endowment of radical joy and worthiness

I share with you my last three months because it’s been a rekindling I did not anticipant, want, or would have missed. I was rekindled…

• When my parents next door neighbor – a firefighter – took the emergency call knowing it was my parent’s address; her leadership got my mother to the emergency room with problems unknown
• When Dad’s former church member never left my mother’s side in the ER while I set up care for my dad the evening the heart attack occurred with magnitude unknown
• When my pastor prayed through my cell phone as my mom headed onto the medivac with futures unknown
• When my father prayed in the ICU at 6am for my mother and her medical team before they all took her to surgery with results unknown
• When Mom was flooded with cards and casseroles when her heart’s recovery was unknown
• When family, friends, coworkers, and members of every church leaned in to support me in an environment unknown (and I mean every church… dad’s past churches, my brother’s churches, my pastor friends churches, my Jewish friends, my episcopalian friends, my AME friends, and even Native American friends who sent dried sweet grass to smudge the house for more healing energy)

I was rekindled when I saw faith in action.

I was rekindled amidst the unknown in community and by community.

May we find that and be that for one another.