January 2022 Quote – “But She Was Brave”

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As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For January 2022, the quote was “She was never quite ready. But she was brave. And the universe listens to brave.”

Several years ago, I provided change communications and speech writing support to retired Brigadier General Alison Hickey when she was Under Secretary of the Veterans Benefits Administration. At the start of each year, she’d personally write a moving email to her full staff of thousands about her word for the year. She put much thought into her word. She went into detail about why that word spoke to her. The chosen word set her intention for the year. Then, at the end of each year she’d send another email about how the word showed up over the past 12 months and what she learned from it. I was impressed by her openness and in awe of her public accountability on such a personal thing – how her year went in terms of her intention. It’s with her tradition in mind that I chose this quote on bravery to start the new year.

Some of the phrases I collected over the 31 days of January include:

  • The wakefulness of the spirit
  • The friction of being visible
  • Spread your joy
  • In a moment of ego we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door
  • Never hide your green hair, people can see it anyway
  • Being in a constant erosion of what is not essential
  • Pause
  • The electricity of giving
  • The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet
  • There are no wrong turns, only unexpected paths
  • Trailblazer
  • Honor what you do not understand
  • Cultivate stillness
  • We often try on other skins rather than understand and care for our own
  • The awakening and freeing of what has been asleep
  • Enable and encourage
  • Extraordinary is waiting quietly beneath the skin of all that is ordinary
  • Dance, in all its forms, is theology lived
  • Kindness has power if we not only believe in it but also live it into being
  • So, what will you do today, knowing that you are one of the rarest forms of life to ever walk the Earth?

Having lived with this quote for a month, I saw brave in a new context. Historically, brave felt like a word for “the big stuff.” Like being brave when I learned about the tumor I had the size of a rugby ball. Like being brave when I stood over my mom watching her have a heart attack as I called 911. Like starting this blog—moving from ghost writing to putting my own words out into the world for acceptance or rejection.

What I’ve come to realize is that brave isn’t just the “big things” but it’s part of our everyday actions. Advocating for a minority voice in a meeting. Volunteering for a role you’ve never done. Asking a question in a large room filled with people. Starting a new job. Letting your hair go gray or wearing it natural. Learning a new language. Taking a new route to work. Trying a new hobby. Picking up an apple rather than chocolate to improve your health. Admitting you made a mistake. Seeking a second opinion. Leaving a relationship. Asking for help. Saying no. Saying yes.

Each time we step forward to honor ourselves and others that’s brave. Each brave step puts change in motion. And one change ripples into more and more and more change. Each small act of bravery builds your bravery muscle, and also helps grow it in others.

To me, bravery is a connector because you cannot be brave without exposing yourself to others. And it’s that exposure – that vulnerability – that truly makes meaningful change. When I emailed my client this week that I was the one who made the mistake in the content he reviewed, that act of bravery opened a connection around our love of grammar. When I accepted my trainer’s offer to use heavier weights, that act of bravery to move from 18 to 26 pounds gave me confidence in my body and a sense of power. When I told a group of coworkers that I’m white and can easily miss issues at work and need their help to be a better advocate, that act of bravery resulted in someone taking me aside to offer a great idea that I acted on.

Bravery is not in the big, but in the being. So, here’s to a year of more being:  being open, being adventurous, being honest, being silly, being empathetic, being present, being kind, being trustworthy, being friendly. Here’s to bravely being you.

Leading Without a Title

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As I coach executives and mentor coworkers, it’s dawned on me how much of who I am as a leader has always just “been there.” There is no single defining moment that I can recall and say, “boom!” that is when I became a leader. Actually, I’ve always felt like a leader. It wasn’t an external thing outside of me to attain but innately in me. I don’t say this to brag, I say this in gratitude. And, I say this in thanks to my mother (pictured with me here) who since my earliest memory boldly proclaimed, “you’re a leader!”

The belief that leadership is intrinsically in me, I now realize, was an extraordinary gift.  The belief gave me a strong voice. The belief gave me confidence. The belief gave me courage. The belief gave me strength. The belief gave me faith. The belief gave me an identity. The belief gave me boldness.

Now, nearly 30 years into my career I’ve also accumulated titles that backed my belief:  Youth Advisory Delegate, Editor, Chairperson, Board President, Alumnae Class President, Manager, Director, Elder, Practice Lead. Yes, the titles help in certain circumstances… however, it’s the experiences behind them that gives me the ability to back my title with knowledge, failures, lessons learned, surprises, triumphs, relationships, and perspective. It’s the journey that builds a leader.

Recently, I began coaching a master class for emerging leaders – specifically women in the first 10 years of their career.  Several of them asked, “How do you lead when you don’t have the title?” While I think leadership is a very personal thing and each person must define leadership for themselves based on their values, gifts, expertise, and goals – I do think there are a few steps anyone can take to lead where they are.

  • Show up. This is not about “being in the room where it happened” but rather being active in the room. Contribute. Ask questions. Pose an alternate scenario. Encourage people to take a pause to quietly reflect. Ask someone who’s quiet or unique in the room for their insights. Amplify a diverse view point. Point out who’s not in the room but should be. Engage. Offer a helpful article or podcast after a meeting based on the discussion. So often I’m in meetings where participants never come off camera, never speak, never offer a chat comment, never volunteer, never joke, never share. To me, this is hiding – or worse. This is withholding your talents and is detrimental to the success of the project. If you’re in the wrong room, look for a better one – or speak with folks about how to make the room better for all participants. And if you find it challenging getting into the room, volunteer for a role in the room, ask how to get into the room, or have one-on-one discussions with folks in the room and talk to them about what it’s like and express interest around the work in the room.
  • Manage and mentor up. I learned about managing up about halfway into my career. At first, I was suspect… why should I do their work? But then a great leader, Danelle Scotka a retired Amy Colonel, showed me how—and why. She showed me that each time I “worked ahead” of the formal leader that I got (A) the experience of the work and (B) the recognition that I was ready for the next level of work. Working ahead of a leader looks like:  elevating a risk, sharing research/samples on a future product to help leadership think about it, organizing an event (I love when my team sets social events and all I have to do is show up), taking a recurring task off their plate, volunteer after a meeting (“I heard a lot of discussion on X… how about I look into this, speak to Y and Z, and circle back with you on some ideas by this date”), and giving feedback. I know the farther “up” I go, the more removed I feel from the team and day-to-day operations. Getting feedback on my work, the impact of my approach, or suggestions on what I can do with my “formal” power due to my title are critical to improving the experience, organization, and outcomes. And, if upward feedback is not the norm in your organization – offer to be a mentor. I saw a great quote this month: “If you don’t have a mentor under 30 you’re not a good leader.”  Not sure how to suggest mentorship? Try this: “I hear you joke a lot about how your brain doesn’t think like Excel – would you like a few private lessons or can I make a few templates for you?” or “Several times you mentioned how messy your Teams channels are – can I book time on your calendar to give you a few tips?” or “the firm just rolled out X, let me know if you need any help as I used this at my last job.” This shows you’re listening and want to help, as well as opens a door to a more personally relationship.  
  • Skill up. To me, leadership is a graceful combination of expertise, ability, and investment in people. It’s what you bring to the work (church, community, profession, family) and those around you. There are lots of books on good leadership habits – read them, try them on, and then select what works and is comfortable for you. In terms of your expertise, seek opportunities that stretch your skills and certifications that keep you current. For ability, think about your leadership presence. Can you command a room with our voice through compelling prose or a softly shared poignant question? Does your voice reflect confidence, passion, conviction? Do all your responses end with your voice raised in a weakening question? How many “uhs” or “likes” pop into each sentence?  Can you sit in silence with the team, or must you bust in with a joke or trifle response? Are you poised in person (stance, posture, eye contact)? Can you write well – clearly, for busy executives, for non-technical readers, for inspiration? All these things contribute to how others see and respond to you as a leader.
  • Title up. This phrase is about stepping into the next title up. Use each opportunity to ask yourself, “What would I do if I was the lead?” or “How would handle that if I was the lead?” Take what you like from leaders and work it into your current thinking, actions, and products. Take what doesn’t appeal to you and reflect on why:  Does it make you uncomfortable because you lack a technical skill? Does a behavior put a burden on the team and how would you approach it differently? Do you not understand the rationale for a decision – can you get it and learn? And finally, what can you do now to demonstrate leadership thinking, habits, actions, and outcomes?

These four things will begin to forge your leadership legacy: How you want to be seen as a leader. What value you bring as a leader. What actions back up your leadership approach. What will demonstrate your leadership brand. What you want folks to feel about you as a leader.

So, in the spirit of my mother… You’re a leader, so get out there and lead!

December Quote 2021: “Sparkly Star-Shaped Self”

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As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For December 2021, the quote was “Tired of trying to cram her sparkly star-shaped self into society’s beige square holes, she chose to embrace her ridiculous awesomeness and shine like the freaking supernova she was meant to be.”

Heading into a holiday month centered on lights, from Hannukah’s festival of lights to the star of Bethlehem marking Jesus’ birth, the glitteriness of this quote literally caught my eye. As I read it, the words lit up my soul. The validation to shine bright as we are brought back memories of the Bible school song, “This little light of mine” which asked, “hide it under a bushel? No! I’m gonna let it shine.”

But as I centered on this quote during December, the quote shifted into more of a mantra as I headed into the new year. How did I want to be in 2022? Beige or sparkly? As the quote reverberated in me, here are some of the phrases I collected throughout the month:

  • If it’s not merry, change it
  • If you doubt something, doubt your limits
  • Ask what’s needed
  • Be the good
  • Grace led
  • Sadness is a beacon for love
  • Rather than an earworm that gets stuck in your head, a caterpillar that gets in your soul and morphs into a butterfly
  • Better is fragile, different is king
  • Engrossed in praise
  • Trust your knowing
  • A non-standard approach to winning
  • Trust and face the strange
  • Holy is what happens when there is nothing between your belief and what you do
  • Your brand lives inside conversations and aspirations
  • Turn to your body with kindness and acceptance
  • The new hotness
  • Swears and prayers
  • May your soul feel it’s worth

These quotes reinforced that for 2022, I want to be the most of me. Because, when I’m the most of me, I can give space, time, and resources to help others be their most. Their most creative. Their most comfortable. Their most confident. Their most compassionate.

To be the most of me, I need to be fit so I re-upped my trainer, got some new running gear, and have a plan for better eating (with a side of fries now and then!). To be the most of me, I need to be present in the moment so I signed up for Tara Brach’s 40-day habit building mindfulness challenge with two friends. To be the most of me, I need the support and resourcefulness of women executives so I set up monthly “girls chat” calls with five women in my network. To be the most me, I extended my monthly call with my career sponsor at work. To be the most of me, I need to help the community where I live so I joined the board of non-profit Living Vicky. To be the most of me, I need time away so I locked in my summer vacation beach cottage. To be the most of me, I need exposure to new ideas so I got recommendations for my reading list. To be the most of me, I need a lunch break each day for food and centering, so I blocked that time on my work calendar for the year. To be the most of me, I need an orderly home so I cleaned out drawers and closets and donated items to the Salvation Army. To be the most of me, I need to be in a community of faith so I re-upped on my church committee.

To be the most of me, I need to take care of me. Only then can I be the “freaking supernova” I was meant to be—and help others do the same.

What does your “sparkly star-shaped self” need to shine in 2022?

An Eight Hour Conversation in Silence

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I spent the last eight hours sharing more than 1 million words. The words came and went. Some in an emotional onslaught. Others dripped slow like molasses. The words reverberated, some boomeranging back again and again and again. Some I wanted more of, and others I wished to escape.

For eight hours in silence, I shared more than 1 million words to myself during a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction retreat. The experience left me calm in some ways and spent in others. Eight hours with only your own words to listen to is daunting, even for me – an introvert – who’s comfortable spending time alone.

Each new practice of the day reinforced just how many “mind habits” I have … those loops that play on repeat in my head or rear their ugly head at the most in opportune time. While some habits are good:  I carry with me a strong sense of love and community. Other mind habits are distracting and sometimes detrimental:  The little nag that whispers not enough, not yet, not you.

This retreat, part of an eight-week training, emersed me in a variety of mindful practices all geared to help me recognize, be curious about, and move around my mind habits. During the day I:

  • Did seated breathing meditation
  • Conducted a body scan lying down
  • Held various yoga poses
  • Walked mindfully outside
  • Sat and ate in silence centered on my food

As our class practiced together via Zoom, our instructor stated that throughout the day we’d have “visitors,” and when they arrived simply name them, breathe, and let them move on. He shared that each visitor was an opportunity for something to work better rather than be an obstacle. Visitors could feel like a challenge but when embraced with a state of curiosity (Why are you popping up? What can I learn from you? Why are you back?), could be help us grow, reframe our thinking, and forge a new mind habit. I appreciated the metaphor of a challenge being a visitor – a neutral, if not positive word. I also liked that once we learn from our visitor it leaves. It’s not a permanent relationship. We have power over the visitor, and can help them leave.

Additionally, I participated in a few guided meditations. My favorite being “unconditional friendliness.” We were instructed to mentally focus on four specific phrases first thinking about myself, then a friend, then a “neutral” person (someone in the world less connected to you like a neighbor, co-worker, teacher, bus driver, or bartender at your favorite hangout). The four phrases:

  • May you be safe.
  • May you be happy and peaceful.
  • May you be healthy and strong.
  • May you live with ease and joy.

For about twenty minutes I focused on these four phrases. I thought of people in my life mentally stating: May you be safe. May you be happy and peaceful. May you be healthy and strong. May you live with ease and joy. Then I repeated the phrases to myself:  May I be safe. May I be happy and peaceful. May I be healthy and strong. May I live with ease and joy.

While I don’t have many negative messages in my head, I can’t say have a lot of “pro-love” ones either. I do not typically take time out to mentally love or reassure myself. I don’t regularly hear a soundtrack of compassion play in my head, yet I try to give that to others. It was a meaningful experience to give myself such concentrated positive energy. These well wishes for myself remined me of a meme I saw few weeks ago stating we should talk to ourselves with the same way we do to our pets.

Throughout my day of silent mindful meditation, the words in my head came and went. What began like crashing phrases eased into a gentle ebb and flow with longer breathing spaces of silence between them… followed by a lightened mental load.

Move Toward Your Dreams with One Step

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We all have something that we want to do. We carry these acorns in a safe space protecting them from the light of day, from getting scorched by the sun of other’s disbelief or even our own doubts. If we do nothing the dream is “safe.” While it might be protected, the dream deferred can also, in Langston Hughes’ words, “dry up like a raisin in the sun” or over time “just sags like a heavy load.” 

It can be scary and exhilarating to start something new. Any action puts you on a path of change, which will cause a ripple effect for more change. It’s overwhelming, exciting, and daunting to move forward. And that’s exactly the direction change propels you:  forward.

Many years ago, one of my hidden secrets was to run a marathon. Did I run? No. Had I ever run? No. Did I like to run (thinking back to high school’s presidential fitness tests)? No. Did I know how to run? No. Did I know how to train to run long distance, or short distance for that matter? No. Did I know how to “fuel” (eat/hydrate) to run? No. Did I have the attire to run? No. But yet, I wanted to run a marathon.

Regardless of the goal, each one requires a first step. One action. For me, it was run 1 block. Done. I made it. Then on to the next step. Each step, each action slowly generated another action such as:

  • Practice getting up at 6am to run (but not running)
  • Get up at 6am and run
  • Run a block, walk a block, run a block model
  • Commit to some duration of running such as 3 times a week
  • Tell one friend who’d finished a marathon who gave me her training program, signed me up for my first race – a 5K, and agreed to run with me
  • Buy properly fitted running shoes thanks to Pacer’s Running
  • Purchase Under Armour cold weather gear
  • Read a book on how to prepare to run a marathon
  • Get more sleep
  • Get a Reiki treatment for a nagging issue I’d carried in my body since 5th grade
  • Discover hill repeats
  • Find out gummy worms were my boost of choice on long distances

As I let more sun in on my dream, I could more easily see it come true. Each step also brought more help from my family and friends, plus coworkers who watched me online during a staff meeting as my tracking chip showed my mile marker progress on race day.

Each single action led me to another single action. Cumulatively each step led me from 2 mile to 5 miles to 10 miles to 18 miles, and yes, to finish 26.2 miles. Cumulatively each step gave me confidence. Cumulatively, each step confirmed I could overcome the inevitable setbacks. Cumulatively, I became a runner.

What’s your first step?

Smudge and Fig Preserves, the Cultural Connection at Work

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As a consultant with a strong undercurrent of Type A, I find great satisfaction in “the do.” Checklists checked, calls completed, emails sent/deleted, deliverables submitted. Done is a delightful feeling.

However, over the 1.5 years of COVID-crazy I felt like my focus on done became all consuming. As if the more I did would make me feel better; but it didn’t. The satisfaction of complete became the burden of more. More, more, more. I lost sight of the why and missed the joy of the being – especially from the energy of team collaboration. The remote environment seemed to have restricted the connectional side of work in many ways.

Upon this realization, I became deliberate in how I began my latest project which included a partnership with a Native American small business. I wanted to focus on the why, be smart about how we used our time together, and be culturally sensitive. I wanted to put connection front and center of the work.

You see our team’s diversity was significant – DC “beltway bandits,” some PhDs, and Tribal members all working to improve health care for American Indians/Alaska Natives. To support this, we received historical training, word sensitivity workshops, and candid first-hand accounts of cultural nuances. The emersion was great and terrifying. The more I knew, the more I realized there was so much I didn’t know or understand. My lens to life was different. And while that difference is OK – my life is my life – I began to realize how many blind spots I had that could impact the effectiveness of my work. More than anything I didn’t want to produce anything that would offend or do harm to the initiative. For a while I pulled back into listen mode, a bit afraid. Then I found some courage to take steps to move forward and learn. I did this to get more comfortable so that I could really apply my expertise in an appropriate and impactful way. My sitting on the sidelines did not help the cause.

I started by privately connecting with a woman on the project to better understand something done during our weekly team meeting – smudging. At the end of our meetings, her husband would bless us while fanning a giant bird feather over burning, smoking dried plants. He always began with “Grandfather spirit.” The blessing was less prayer and more a setting of intention. A request that the spirit help us be true to our word and compassionate in our actions as we served the community in our work. To be vividly aware of the world and space in which we work. The centering practice provided a calming way to anchor us to our work and take a moment to breathe together as a team before we scattered our separate ways onto another Teams call. My teammate Anna answered my questions and in doing so created a safe space for me to ask and learn more.

The website Indigenous Corporate Training states, “Smudging is traditionally a ceremony for purifying or cleansing the soul of negative thoughts of a person or place. There are four elements involved in a smudge:

  • The container, traditionally a shell representing water, is the first element.
  • The four sacred plants (cedar, sage, sweetgrass, tobacco), gifts from mother earth, represent the second element.
  • The fire produced from lighting the sacred plants represents the third element.
  • The smoke produced from the fire represents air, the fourth element.”

Fast forward a few months, and Anna learned my mother had open heart surgery. She mailed me four types of smudge to support her recovery:  sweet grass braid, golden sage, traditional sage, and pine picked from her yard. In turn, I sent back a jar of homemade fig preserves that I made with my mother, from figs picked from her yard. Homemade food, a southern tradition, to show love and provide comfort.

This is the real “do” that matters in work. The forging of relationships, the learning, the collaboration, the connection – all of which makes the work better and the journey richer.

Leadership: Understand & Articulate Your Boundaries

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I have a standing “girls chat” with a co-worker each month. It’s a time when we open up our professional closet and haul out our dirty laundry and miscellaneous items we don’t know what to do with but can’t let go of. There is a lot of validation, active listening, hard questions, and resource swapping – from articles to people in our network – that occurs in our chats. These chats aren’t about solutions or fixing the other person, but rather the camaraderie of two travelers on a career journey. While the information is helpful and the laughter is great, it’s the companionship that offers a soothing balm that keeps me coming back.

Boundary Types

Over the past few months many of our conversations ended up touching on boundaries. In a summer chat, she mentioned buying the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. Candidly, I’ve never thought I had an issue with boundaries. In fact, my family and friends will tell you I’m pretty stubborn, that I know my limits/needs, and I’m not one to “convince” into something. However, when I investigated the book, I noted that it covered six types of boundaries:

  • Physical
  • Sexual
  • Intellectual
  • Emotional
  • Material
  • Time

I’d never thought in terms of “types” of boundaries—just that you had them, or you didn’t. The book offered “tips on how to uphold personal limits” and this terms gave me pause for how I think of boundaries. The author, Nedra Tawwab, writes, “But what do ‘healthy boundaries’ really mean—and how can we successfully express our needs, say ‘no,’ and be assertive without offending others?”

As I thought about what the book had to offer, my girls chat discussions, and my shallow understanding of boundaries, I quickly added the book to my Audible library. (Note: if a book’s not your thing, check out her blog which is filled with one-page nuggets of insight.)

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself helped me better understand the complexities around boundaries. That my boundaries can be solid, Jello, or missing all together depending on the area. I also realized that what I use to define as wants/needs – which I could dismiss if they were broken by others – should be rethought of as a more formal boundary. I appreciate that Nedra gives readers examples of how take a concept (or need) and convert it into a clearly articulated boundary statement. There is tremendous power is being able to state a boundary and define what is essential for you to be the best you.

Listen for Boundaries

Additionally, listening to her state various types of boundary examples in each chapter helped me be a better boundary listener. Hearing her state them, helped me more easily hear when someone is setting one with me. In fact, not long after finishing the book, I went to get a pedicure. I was in a new spa and just as the massage began a patron walked over to the woman next to me and began a loud, on-going conversation through her mask. After a while, I asked staff to stay something but they were unsuccessful. So, I did with an “excuse me, but you’re really loud” comment. The woman immediately stopped and walked out. The following day, the spa owner texted me to ask that I not come back based on the incident. She explained that her business was not a spa but a social environment, and she stood up for her customers who wanted that experience. She shared the boundary of her business. In listening to her, I reflected on how I missed defining my own need as a choose a spa to try: a relaxing quite pedicure to unwind from weeks of work Zoom calls and treat my runner’s toes. I also realized that when I spoke to the patron I didn’t express myself well but rather made it about her, which wasn’t fair. Rather than feel attacked (a likely pre-book response), I thanked the owner for clarifying the boundaries of her business. I also told her if I knew folks who wanted a social spa I’d refer them. I didn’t want her worried I’d be a vindictive customer. We ended on positive terms with boundary clarity.

Here’s to our improved ability to claim, communicate, and support boundaries – ours and others.