Recently, it’s been a bit like an episode of “this is your life” – leadership edition. Folks from various stages of my career seemed to pop up unexpectedly and in the process of our chat they referenced something they do in their leadership role now because of our work together. While at times it’s awkward for me to take the compliment of how I influenced someone’s career journey, it’s also intriguing what stuck with folks… from the trusty notebook for client notes and quality control neurosis (aka proofreading/formatting) to facilitation approaches and recognition programs (Brussel Sprout award… and associated necklace!), and everything in between.

I get so excited to learn how they forged their own type of leadership.

These conversations led me to realize mentorship impacts generational leadership. The good and bad that formed me was passed on to others.

Just like generational trauma, “occurs through biological, environmental, psychological, and social means” – leadership is formed much the same way:  leadership norms based on historical gender roles (biological), a firm’s culture (environment), DEIA/psychological safety/belonging (psychological), and the “requirements” to look or sound like a traditional leader (social means). Generational leadership is both the good that is transmitted and the bad that is absorbed or conformed to as the norm.

Here are three ways you can get more intentional about your personal or organization’s generational leadership.

Endorse Individuality

There are thousands of books that will try to convince you that leadership is done Mandalorian style, “this is THE way.” A single model or expectation of leadership breads weakness or vulnerability in the workplace ecosystem. It would be like the U.S. Department of Defense only having an Army… rather than a force that works in land, sea, and space. Show your team that leadership comes in all forms:  quiet, effervescent, big picture, black suit, calm, colorful tennis shoes, remote, tearful, young, technical. Review the impact your leadership programs and promotion cases have on generational leadership.

Mentorship Program

Mentorship maintains or breaks the cycle of generational leadership. A training, book, podcast, or HR framework are the bricks of leadership development with opinions, case studies, and metrics. Mentorship on the other hand, gives you the color commentary – or mortar between the bricks – to make personalized choices about how to apply the information. Review your mentorship program… How does it measure success? How are mentors recruited, vetted, trained, evaluated, and removed? Who uses the mentorship program and how homogenous are they? How do you encourage staff who are not familiar with a mentor to take the risk with one? How do you incentivize participation? If you cannot offer one internally, do you have a vetted list of mentor programs that are free or have costs covered by the firm? Do you have “reverse mentors” – newer professionals to mentor seasoned ones?

Your Choice

Executives, get serious about your leadership team and the impact they have on generations of workers and future leaders. “High performers” who hit the financial metric but leave a trail of trauma and bad habits should not be tolerated or promoted but rather given a measurable performance improvement plan. Professionals – leaders of all ages and stages – take a hard look at your leadership legacy and current environment, then determine what you need to break or build your own leadership health. Collect mentors… at one point in my career I had a full house of mentors—one to understand client business, promotion/career mobility, consulting, and my specialty. Can’t find one in your office, look to your community programs (e.g., church, volunteer work, sports) or find a mentorship program. Get intentional about how you want to invest in generations of leaders … this is your legacy to build.  

Finally, to the dynamic leaders I watched, worked with, and learned from along my own leadership journey. I am grateful for how you…

• Taught me accounts payable and receivable and how to use my left hand on the massive calculator so I could write down calculations with my right (yes, before excel!)
• Had Stephen Covey’s 4 quadrants of time management on her office white board for all to see to remain focused on what mattered most
• Incentivized my attention to detail with my first spa pedicure
• Showed me feedback and annual reviews could be both constructive and fun (not to mention the reward of movie day!)
• Planned the next team social the day before the current one to be sure our team took play seriously
• Demonstrated compassion with thoughtful words and tokens of care during life’s inevitable heartbreaks
• Took me aside for a candid “put your big girl pants on” talk about office politics
• Gave away opportunities you could have kept for yourself
• Held me accountable
• Showed me the value of having folks sit in a circle at an offsite
• Leaned hard of me to improve and grow while also advocating for me with others – client and co-worker – so I continued to grow with new experiences
• Made yourself available to listen, just listen
• Celebrated the wins, big and small … hello “happy dance” in a cube farm in the basement of the Army Human Resourced Command HQ

I am grateful for how my generational leaders balanced business and heart, let me see behind the curtain through vulnerable conversations, looked beyond the metrics to see the person, and instilled a habit of mentorship I work hard to carry on.

When you look at my resume it appears as if I had a master plan. Each job logically building on the next. A natural progression of skill and opportunity. But of all the things I’ve planned in my life, my career has not been one of them. And it took me until this week to be able to articulate how it all came about and came together.

This past Thursday I spoke on executive presence to the Guidehouse Young Professionals Group. The presentation I reviewed with the group’s leaders on Tuesday was fine, they said so. It was a holistic look at executive presence because I wanted folks to understand that executive presence wasn’t the well-spoken, charismatic white male executive stereotype. Then, the week unfolded and I ended up modifying my presentation the morning of the event.

My first clue to adjust my presentation was the feedback from the event leaders. “Fine.” They said it made sense and they’d heard some of this before. “It would be good for the group.” OK, this moment spoke to my ego. Fine and good are not what I strive for, especially with public speaking. So, I sat with their feedback.

My next clue came the next day. A former teammate reached out and asked me to speak on a panel about “consulting mindset” to small business leaders. He shared some of their struggles and asked if I would share my experiences, techniques, and lessons learned. I thought about the times where consulting seemed easy for me, where I struggled, and my core truths that served me well time and time again. When the panel ended, I came back to “fine” and “good” and sat with it in context of how I felt after the panel a bit hopped up on happy work memories.

My final clue came through a friend’s LinkedIn post. I follow a few leadership coaches for their expertise, insights into my own coaching practice, and motivation, and K.C. is one of them. I met him over a year ago at the Mindful Leader Summit. He posted about the importance of being present as a leader and pointed out the obvious:  presence is in the phrase executive presence. After I read his brief post, I felt an inner oooooohh come over me, and I sat with it.

Each time I noticed, accepted and sat with a clue. I was present, open, and curious. I didn’t try to solve what I sensed, I just kinda swirled it around like wine in a glass. Observing. Savoring. Consuming.

The next day it was all there for me. The “fine” and “good” was gone. The inspiration appeared in its place. I spent about 30 minutes adjusting my presentation and then practiced it a few times. Yes! This was the vibe I wanted. This was the story I sought to share along with the tools to bring it to life so each person could create their own executive presence. And the chat comments, emojis, and post-session emails from the 260+ attendees confirmed the value and impact of my altered presentation.

I shared with the young professions that:

• Executive presence is about bring present
• To have presence you need to be clear on who you are and the value you bring… and most importantly what is missing if you’re not in the room
• To be invited to the table (job, project, team, conversation) you need to articulate your innate talents and acquired skills, so folks know when to call you or how to advocate for you
• You can define your brand (what you want to be known for) but those who experience your thinking, words, attitude, and work determine your brand, so show up consistently in all ways
• Every meeting, email, product, or conversation is an opportunity to be present and practice
• It’s important to be present in your own way, with the hair, attire, and words that gives you confidence … and always remember if you can share information in a way that your mom or grandmother understand, you nailed it
• We’re all “young” each time we learn a new skill, accept a new opportunity, or work with a new client – the uncertainty is there, the eagerness is there, and the space to start anew and practice is there

I was AUDITORILY PRESENT when I interviewed senior executives and felt the tingle of “the” soundbite to use in national news story. I was CURIOUSLY PRESENT when I stood in an operating room as globally renowned international radiologists walked me through a live procedure answering my questions so that I could translate it all to help patients make more informed decisions. I was EMOTIONALLY PRESENT when I worked with families of the fallen and took in the stories of their loved ones. I was METICIOUSLY PRESENT when I proofread material going out by federal agencies to millions of Americans to connect them to much needed services and support. I was INTERPERSONALLY PRESENT when I got to know various military generals in order to ghost write for them in such a way an employee talked to me about how great a blogger one of them was, then shared my own words back to me written under another’s name.

As I sat with it all this week, I realized that my ability to be present in the moment – with people, with my skills, with confusion, with my gut, with excitement, with my apprehension – is what created the dynamic career I’m so proud of and awe of…. as I never could have envisioned it when I was 25.

This week reminded me that while setting goals is good, setting intention for how you show up is more powerful. Being present lets you notice more, think more, connect more, and do more. It puts all of you in the moment with others and that, that is true executive presence.

Whenever I share that I’m an introvert people are shocked. “But you easily talk in meetings.” “But you have such a great network.” “But you facilitate huge offsites.” I typically respond with a smile and share, “I’m an introvert raised by a flaming extroverted mother, so I know how to fake it.”

Many confuse introvert and shy… and I am anything but shy. A common definition of introvert is “a person who prefers calm environments, limits social engagements, or embraces greater than average preference for solitude.” I prefer a comparison definition that an introvert thinks in their head and loses energy in large groups; whereas extroverts think with their mouth and get charged up with each interpersonal interaction.

I can remember growing up and watching my parents after a big church function or wedding reception. Dad would go sit quietly to watch TV or read and might recall a deep conversation with 1-2 people at the event. Mom on the other hand was like Tigger, vibrant and vibrating, recounting chat after chat after chat she had with an endless number of people. Introvert. Extrovert.

I am grateful that in my first managerial role, members of my team took me aside and gave me feedback. They shared they were lost in meetings and couldn’t understand where my answers to the client came from. I was surprised as I thought they were all obvious answers. I explained how I collected things – nuggets of information, ideas, images – and constantly processed them in my head. What I realized from the discussion is that others didn’t do this, they needed to talk it out.

Introverted Leadership

As I moved up the corporate ladder, I also noticed what leader-type got recognized and rewarded: the verbal one. While I think this is an outdated leadership model, it’s the norm none the less. Through experience, I came to believe that if you’re at the table, you better be heard so you’re invited back… verbal participation = engaged participant.

But I’ve learned that working in an extroverted style for sustained periods of time has two big side effects. First, my extroverting and others, pushes out the space for introverts’ ideas that typically require more processing time. Second, I cannot sustain the cultural expectation of the extroverted, gregarious leader without significant recharge time which is nearly impossible with the increased number of online meetings through the pandemic and into a long-term hybrid work model.

Reset Tips

To help re-balance I:

• Block time after complex meetings and facilitation to quietly process
• Check with teammates to see if canceling a meeting would help them or share I need some down time
• Include quite time in strategy or planning sessions to help introverts (and myself) catch our breath and formulate our thoughts
• Have standing one-on-one meetings with other introverts with whom I have a deep connection and can simply be with, rather than host for
• Do body scan meditation before a “big” meeting to see what I’m carrying in with me, how tense I am, or how frantic I feel and settle in to a calmer state
• Seek opportunities for mindfulness such as offer for folks to take a few breaths before a meeting starts or share a joy from the week… or take a mindful walk after a complex week or have a Saturday of silence

So, to all my peer introverts, I feel you.

So, to all my extroverted peers – I feel you.

Here’s to being together in more solitude.

In the past few years, the focus on and conversation around imposter syndrome has grown in my network. And it’s a phrase I only hear from women. It’s gotten to a point where last Friday, over drinks with another female executive, I claimed: “I hate imposter syndrome.” And she agreed.

While at times it’s good to name the demon so you can talk about it and take it on…. it feels likes imposter syndrome keeps women stagnant. As if they can’t move forward if they don’t address it. As if there is a permanent cure for it. That at some point this feeling of not quite enough just magically goes away.

Well, if you’re learning and trying new things this sensation of not knowing “enough” will never end — and that’s a good thing! The flip side to imposter syndrome is the comfort zone, where dynamic people stay and wither.

In my career I was not “ready” to…

– Get a video news package across town and up on the satellite for national distribution … because I did not know how to hail a cab but I accepted the mission and flung up my arm like in the movies and I was off to an award-winning career as a TV news producer

– Produce a video for Coca-Cola of an event at the State Department on then Philippines’ President Corazon Aquino … but I accepted the authority my CEO put in me and duked it out with the flag protocol manager to get the best camera shot

– Discuss the accuracy of new medical illustrations with a physician specialist, especially the size and shape of the penis drawing … but I practiced the presentation (a lot) which resulted in information that helped patients learn about a new non-surgical treatment for male infertility

– Help the Army rebrand its program for severely wounded combat soldiers as I had no military connection … so I read a lot of books, got a soldier mentor, and leaned on my compassion which enabled me to have complex conversations on someone’s worst day — creating an approach and products that increased brand recognition by 35% in one year

– Design and build a communications division … but I applied what I liked and didn’t like from past personal experiences, best practices, and a dash of creativity to ultimately create 6 award-winning federal and commercial communication divisions

From all of these and other experiences I learned I was ready. I was ready “enough.” I was ready to offer something different through collaboration. I was ready to learn what happened at the “next level.” I was ready based on my knowledge, experience, creativity, passion, and grit. I was ready to move beyond fear and claim a new opportunity to apply my gifts.

Squelching imposter syndrome is about taking the pieces from various experiences and applying them together in a way that feels authentic and meets the needs of the situation. It’s about pausing to acknowledge that fear and action can co-exist. It’s about quieting down the white noise, finding the soft voice within (AKA your intuition), and boldly listening to it. It’s about saying “yes, and…” to agree with needed support or resources. It’s about accepting you are more than you think or have done — and step into an opportunity to grow.

So, to all of you wrestling with imposter syndrome, I say, put down the excuse that holds you back. Be proud of what you’ve done and seek to add to your experiences. Embrace the opportunities others think you’re ready for. Learn, leave your mark, and build your legacy as a new kind of leader.

To support your boldness, I offer up Danielle Doby’s words as it’s important to have the right kind of network to support you on your journey…

“Be around the light bringers, the magic makers, the world shifters, the game shakers.

They challenge you, break you open, uplift and expand you.

They don’t let you play small with your life.

These heartbeats are your people.

These people are your tribe.”

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me throughout the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For December 2022 the quote was, “My wish for you is that you continue to be who you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.”

Kindness found me in 2022 thanks to Cole Baker-Bagwell. Before her, I have to admit kindness was a bit of a throw away word, like nice. It didn’t seem to say much. Then, she shared her definition for the word, “kindness is a commitment in thought, word, and action to leave everyone and everything better.” Then, I listened to her and saw how she lived the word. Then, I tried it out and kindness took shape. Here are quotes that caught my attention in December:

• Look at the behaviors you tolerate
• Leadership is stark. It is terrifying. In some ways, it’s the ultimate act of creativity
• Ignite good in others
• Keep the fire burning
• Time under tension
• We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are
• God lurks in the gaps
• It’s your story honey. Feel free to hit ‘em with a plot twist whenever you want.
• Our soul lives in a joyous peace. We just need to get through the layers of mind and body static to find it.
• We are responsible for our talents
• Just start
• Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer
• This is my natural baseline: being at ease, spacious, and open…none of us is built to be a sprinter continuously. I am a sitter, an explorer, a guide.
• When you cut into the present, the future leaks out
• Inhale, “I am free to feel.” Exhale, “I will stay whole.”
• We are all made of stardust and stories
• Sign your name upon my heart
• I will gather all the dusty sorrows from the attic of memory and cast them into the fires of oblivion
• Magical wishes for your journey ahead 

Cole connected me to Magnus Wood, founder of the Kindness Corporation. Yep, it’s a thing! And how can you not get behind a movement with the tagline, “We help work suck less and business thrive more”? Especially when the average person spends more than 90,000 hours at work, or 1/3 of their life.

In October, I joined Magnus’ group of international leaders who meet weekly to learn about how kindness takes shape, what influences it, what diminishes it, and how to practice it – as well as share stories and tools. It’s a refreshing weekly treat that bolsters not just how I want to be as a person but how I can generate kindness in my professional and personal community.

I found that a key byproduct of kindness is connection, something I feel so many of us not just need, but crave. COVID, politics, loss, war, injustice, religion, and more place us in an “us/them,” “for or against” dynamic. Kindness on the other hand is not about an issue, but rather a person. How you as a person can be kind to another. It’s connectional.

Each act of kindness you demonstrate gives others options. Options on how to think about and treat those who are different. Options on how to make decisions at work that are supportive. Options on how to show up in a controversial situation. Options on how to create a new solution. Options on how to stand up for a better process. Options on how to be with others. Options on how to foster community.

While I think we start life from a state or lens of kindness, we somehow loose this as our default setting through our experiences. We second guess our innate response to be kind. It takes effort, and a bit of boldness, to rebuild your kindness muscle. But when demonstrated, kindness can feel radical for both the giver and receiver, and it’s a powerful sensation. A force for good.

I have to admit though that I like that acts of kindness feel a bit rogue in the current climate. I like that my kind-centered thinking, solutions, conversations, and actions rub against the norm. I enjoy disrupting the “mean world,” the status quo routine, and the old guard. I like the subversive change I’m generating at all levels of various organizations. I like that kindness breaks power-holds and emboldens others to be kind. I like that kindness brings about a kindness. I also like how I feel when kindness is the norm.

Here’s to the rampant spread of kindness in 2023.

I enjoy the quiet time between Christmas and the new year. Quiet from work. Quiet by the tree. Quiet in me. The quiet often starts on Christmas Eve with a candlelight service at church and the departing hymn “Joy to the World.” A final exclamation for the year before I settle into comfy clothes and cookies for a few days of personal reflection.

During this time, I often hear myself more – or more clearly. I do less and “be” more by soaking in traditions, being more present with loved ones, and savoring a slower gear with time. I also put thought into the new year.

While I’m less about setting SMART goals (though I know they are useful), I do focus on my intention. How I want to be in the new year. What I want to put my attention to bringing about. What I want to reinforce in my sphere of influence and community. I always think about this from a positive perspective, more X rather than less Y.

I picked up this annual habit on intention setting from a former government Under Secretary and 1 star general I used to support. She would pick a word for the year, share it with her community, track what happened throughout the year related to it, and then share the outcomes the following December in a letter. It was always amazing to read what manifested in her year related to her word. Her approach for the new year was both personal and publicly accountable.

What I saw through her year-in-review intention emails, and experienced first-hand, is that intention is wildly simple but incredibly powerful. Intention typically brings more meaningful outcomes and unimaginable experiences that are bigger than what I could imagine in a SMART goal. The abundance of intention is incredible.

One year my intention was empower. Empower my team, my loved ones, my professional network, my self, my community. It was great to see how many opportunities arose each week for me to make a decision and take an action to empower, or savor when someone empowered me. The same went for my year centered on joy. For the past few years, I focused on 3 things:  create, empower, joy. Each month I setup columns with each word at the top and tracked all the things I experienced related to one of those words. I never failed to fill up a page each month of wonderous experiences, thoughtful interactions, and heart-warming memories.

While I made the decision to change my intention(s) this year, I am not sure yet if it will be to one word or a few. Maybe I’ll pick a word for different areas of my life, a professional word, a community word, and a personal word. I have a new notebook picked out to start fresh as the other one is crammed full of intentional nuggets from the past few years. Perhaps the word will be…

• Rest (to not get over-extended)
• Laughter (to be more playful or spontaneous)
• Generous (to be more giving of resources—time, brain, heart, money)
• Boundaries (to protect self, time, energy, emotions, goals)
• Faith (to be bold in beliefs)
• Grow (to focus on learning)
• Health (to support physical and mental wellbeing)
• Care (to help build connections and deeper relationships) 
• Family (to be more present with loved ones)
• Write (to fulfill a call)
• Wonder (to be more open to the Universe)

I look forward to what calls to me in the quiet moments in the days ahead.

If you want to join me with intention in 2023… Write your word(s) at the top of your calendar each month so you see it each day. Make it your computer password. Say it each night before you fall asleep and before you start your day. Track anything that occurs related to your word. Celebrate meaningful occurrences. 

Then, watch it come to life!

Well, there I was in my weekly “workplace kindness” online session shoveling in lunch during an on camera global zoom call. It was all well and good… folks sharing unkind work examples, realizations, and tips and then moderator Magnus Wood lobbed out the question about experiences with unkind managers. I took myself off mute … and shared it was me.

I shared that a teammate taught me a valuable lesson. He’d come by my office cube, papers in hand, and sheepishly ask, “Have you eaten?” Another time he asked, “Do you need a Snickers?”  After a few of these, I finally realized he was checking my state. Hungry and bitey or good to go. But this wasn’t just a lunch time question but more of a quick litmus test any time of day.

He helped me realize the impact of my mood — state of mind, energy level, presence — had on others. I was all good… until I wasn’t. I used his clue to change. Change my calendar. Change my awareness. Change how I handle “drive by” interruptions. Change my commitment to lunch.

I now offer up the code word “Snickers” to my teams, especially my deputies, to use to not so subtly get my attention about my bad manager or leader behavior. It gives them a simple tool to hold me accountable when there’s a power imbalance … and it usually ends in a laugh. As soon as they say the word, I know and can reset.

While I strive to be a thoughtful, kind manager, I’ve had my less than stellar moments. I know my knee jerk reactions get the best of me. I know my crowded schedule pushes me to plow ahead when I should pause. I know I need to talk less and listen more. I know my confident tone can diminish others from speaking up.

Because of this, I use a few tools to create a more kind work environment that include:

• I come into virtual meetings on camera to chat pre-meeting and demonstrate my active presence
• A project launch slide on “what you can expect from me” commitment (part warning of what sets me off because it’s a high-value item to me and part promise of what I do for them)… and I ask what each person needs to succeed
• Standing 1:1 monthly meeting with each person on my team to talk about their agenda topics, work or personal items
• Encourage the use of cat memes to share good or problematic news
• Stress the use their Outlook calendar to block time for every key activity, from meetings and research to training and lunch as this helps them understand how much effort it takes to complete work and everyone understands their availability
• I don’t schedule meetings from Noon-1 and support Friday afternoon quite hours so teams have common times with which to recharge
• Use “???” when editing so folks can separate necessary changes from food for thought … and demonstrate I don’t have all the answers
• Apologize when wrong… not to long ago I shared with a 25 person team how I was wrong and shared the email I wrote to the client accepting responsibility
• I ask for feedback, and also offer that if anyone feels uncomfortable giving it to me, they should share it with my deputy who’ll aggregate it and bring it to me

With experience I’m able to fend off some of my flair ups. I constantly integrate new techniques to see what helps the team enjoy work more and connect as a team. I try to pause more and provide support that helps levels things out – such as coaching a new graduate on corporate introductions or talking budget and corporate finance who someone who doesn’t fit the majority demographic.

But I know I am, and always will be, a work in progress who on occasion needs a Snickers to settle down.

I love birthdays. A day where each person is celebrated simply for arriving in life. Aging has not diminished this joy. In fact, it’s illuminated the blessing of a birthday and another year. Another year with those I love. Another year growing. Another year laughing. Another year witness to heartbreak. Another year contributing. Another year of wonders. Another year part of community. Another year of gratitude.

I view my birthday as my own January 1^st. New Year’s Day… Emily style. I fill both the day – and actually the month – with people and things that feed my soul and put me in the best state to start my new year. This year included time with my parents eating birthday cake (my grandmother’s fruit cocktail cake recipe to be exact), a two-day mindful leader summit with a best friend, a spa pedicure, a mindful walk soaking up the colors of my season on tree leaves, Orange Theory Fitness‘ “Hell Week,” a few more long calls with far away friends, a little more reflective quiet time, a stack of Halloween cards sent to loved ones, a haircut, new yarn for the next knitted baby blanket gift, time reading, and a favorite dinner with ice cream to follow. Nothing fancy but fulfilling.  

As I get still and listen, here is what my heart speaks…

• Find the people in this world who care for, accept, inspire, and support you – hold them tight and connect them with others in your circle to build a meaningful community
• Make space for you in your life – be purposeful in how you spend time on things that recharge you, you’re worth it
• Build a relationship with the universe – for me this is Sunday morning in the church chapel, walks in nature, meditation, and written prayers; the connection to something bigger gives much needed perspective
• Stretch yourself – through books, classes, conversations, music, and differing ideas, as we should not remain contained within the same limited beliefs year over year and decade over decade of our life
• Bring joy into your life and those of others – dance in your kitchen as you make dinner, be silly with a young child, share your gratitude, hold a hug 10 seconds longer, sing at the top of your lungs with the windows down on a sunny day, send flowers to a loved one, text “you’re on my mind and I love you,” or drop off a pie
• Give what you can to those in need – we all need help

My birthday wish is to embrace more of all of these things in my new year… and am grateful for the time to do so.