Change the world by being yourself

Build Professional Skills as a Volunteer

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Volunteer has always been a core part of my identify. Growing up I heard stories of various family members and what they did publicly to make the community better and behind the scenes to help individuals. From a great Uncle who let folks pay for groceries with a chicken to my grandmother who convinced a local dentist to care for some of her elementary school children’s dental emergencies at no cost. I saw my parents in action in the community. Dad was board president of Peninsula Pastoral Counseling Center, a nonprofit organization that offers professional counseling and consultation in a faith context. Mom donated groceries to the food bank, baked cookies for inmates, gave clothes to the thrift shop, and donated to NPR, among other activities. Basically, part of being an Oehler is to be a volunteer.

My volunteer history includes nonprofits, church, schools, military, and professional associations. Each one enabling me to both learn and give back; as well as build a network of compassionate experts.

While the “giving back” vibe is great, volunteering – for me – has also been about receiving. Specifically, gaining experiences to learn new skills, move into management, and expand my resume with proven outcomes. Volunteering gave me a sandbox where I could grow as a communications expert, improve my business management skills, and hone my leadership style… all without the fear of failing at work. Without the added pressure of a work environment, when everything is tied to your next performance review, I found I feel emboldened to try new things, and to do so in a way that is more authentic to me – rather than the cookie cutter model of how it “should” be done.  

Volunteering also gave me more opportunities. At work, opportunities can be limited to someone with the right title, college education, or demographic. There are spoken and unspoken rules of who can do what and when. Volunteering offers a fast track to growth such as me being President of a nonprofit when I was 30. I oversaw the finances, membership, community service, communications, and planning – everything a CEO does. In my 10-year path to President of the Junior League, I designed and implemented a 50-person new-membership training program; led corporate communications from the newsletter to media relations; created a new fundraiser; established a new community advisory board; designed and facilitated offsites; spoke at events; and presided over countless meetings – all in my 20’s. All things that easily translated over into my professional life. I can’t think of a paid job that gives that many opportunities to learn, do, and lead so quickly.

Volunteering is about community. The one you want to improve and the one you’re in to do so. As a volunteer I built a broad network, both of friends and professional allies. For me, volunteering offers a space to be more authentic alongside others who are passionate about a cause. The connections from volunteering seem to endure as we are connected through passion, mission, and impact.

Being a volunteer does change the world. It helps those in need. It helps the organization with limited resources. It helps you build yourself.

What can you help change as a volunteer?

Little girl walks on a paved path

May 2022 Quote: “…Scary Because It’s Unfamiliar, Not Because I’m Incapable”

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As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For May 2022 the quote was, “When you’re nervous about stepping outside your comfort zone, remind yourself:  It feels scary because it’s unfamiliar, not because I’m incapable.”

One of the great ironies of my career, is that it centers on storytelling to help people to understand something new and act on it. From advocacy to wear a seatbelt and not drink and drive to large organization transformations and technology implementations. Yet, I love habits. I even wrap my habits up like a gift and call them traditions. I pass on my habits through leadership, management, and mentoring – disguising my idiosyncrasies as “best practice.” It seems that if I’m not championing change for a client, I’m a last adopter.

With a quote about “stepping outside your comfort zone,” here are quotes that caught my attention in May:

  • If you have an opportunity to be quiet and present, take it
  • Wishing you unexpected wonders
  • Receive a person
  • A ton of feathers still weights a ton
  • Intentional
  • I don’t care what you think. I care about what you do and say.
  • Aunty-mom
  • What would you do if you were brave?
  • Radical acceptance of my being
  • Non-promotable task
  • Activation of my curiosity and the subsequent opening of my perspective that allows energy to flow in
  • Every adult can benefit from a thinking partner
  • Make hard decisions
  • The symbolic meaning of eye contact, of putting aside what we are doing to connect, lies in the respect, care, even love it indicates
  • Everybody is who they are
  • Sacred space
  • Memories are deathless and precise
  • What is in your control to do now?
  • Multi-taskers are suckers for irrelevancy
  • Become a witness to your body
  • Never be afraid to try something new – remember, amateurs build the Ark…professionals build the Titanic
  • Sit with it

To me, dropping into COVID lock down was easy because there wasn’t much of a choice. The change was truly life or death. Emerging out of it, is a whole other scenario. All the choices. All the gray space. All the longing. All the ingrained habits driven by two years of fear. All the opportunities. All the desire to bust free.

I feel like I have two change angels on my shoulder. One that whispers, “Stay where you are, be safe, be comfy.” The other, “Don’t miss out. Live large and make up for time and memories lost.” Both feel good. The challenge is when to listen to which one. When do I need to step into the boldness of new? When do I need to move out of a rut? When do I need to challenge my beliefs that limit my potential? When do I need hold tight and move slowly? When do I need to reserve my energy in a safe space?

While catching up with a friend last week, we talked about change and each shared at what age we felt our most empowered. She talked about her 18 year-old self. I mentioned 13. Since our talk, I’ve thought about my answer of 13. Really? All gangly, self-conscious, hormonal? But then I recalled my fierce, stubborn, “do it anyway” streak. I had a brazen energy like molten lava beneath it all. I think that over time some of that lava has cooled… some of the lava is buried farther down as layers of protection built up… sometimes I might even fear what that lava could do to disrupt my safe habits. But, when I “sit with it” (the change I seek or the change I fear), the lava stirs, and I like it.

To keep my lava flowing and position myself to change, I:

  • Have standing chats on my calendar with a handful of women who stir my lava, ask meaningful questions, and inspire me to grow
  • Spend time outside, from a new workspace on my back porch to morning walks
  • Avoid the “all or nothing” trap
  • Read others’ stories and learn new approaches
  • Write down the change to get it out of the “circle of stupid” in my head as a client once called it, and into a format I can more logically think through without the emotional noise
  • Try to avoid comparison … comparison and the emotion of “not enough” are joy killers
  • Pick a few small things to start with, like a warm-up for bigger change
  • Accept there will be setbacks and surprises, and both are OK
  • Get a coach to support the harder work, from a personal trainer to an executive coach
  • End my day with meditation
  • Start over, constantly

I leave you with a tweet from @OliveFSmith: “I always love it when people say, ‘baby steps!’ to imply they’re being tentative, when actually baby steps are a great unbalanced, wholehearted, enthusiastic lurch into the unknown.”

So, take that bold baby step. Because at the end of day, you always have the power to change direction.

Pondering and Planning Emergence 

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In client, company, coaching, volunteer, and personal conversations, I hear a theme of emergence. How to emerge from full pandemic lock down. How to emerge into a new work model. How to emerge into a new career. How to emerge with a new business offering. How to emerge to affect meaningful change. How to emerge in more personal ways. How to emerge in a way that honors the pandemic experience.

As I think of emergence – becoming exposed after being concealed – it is both a physical and emotional act. In many ways, the physical is easy. How are you showing up and what actions make you feel safe? Where I hear and feel the struggle in conversations is on the emotional side. The exhaustion to emerge. The fear that lingers about emerging. The loss at a multitude of levels (death, long COVID, milestones, connections, health, goals, jobs, income, time). The sadness. The disconnect. The loneliness. The anxiety. The wariness.  

People (myself included) are not good at talking about emotions and sharing troublesome feelings. The vulnerability required is not often provided in the room. It takes effort to make a sacred space for emotions to emerge. Sacred space requires someone to set that intention with time, with mindfulness, with sincerity, with openness, with trust, with active listening, with creativity, with honesty, and with hope. But most off, it requires space for meaningful conversations.

While all this may sound way more touchy feely than you or your organization are comfortable with, don’t fear – there are lots of ways to provide this kind of space. I recently designed and led two kinds of strategy sessions that might offer you a few ways to help your team or organization emerge with an eye on both the physical operations and logistics and the emotional underpinnings.

  • Pondering – For a religious nonprofit, I led several two-hour “pondering the pandemic” sessions online with Mural with various groups. While several elements of the session will help with strategic planning down the road, there were no expectations of leaving the session with a “plan.” The sessions centered on reflection. I opened with a “Loving Kindness Meditation to help folks move into a people-centered pondering state. Next, I led discussions that centered on the physical, such “Who did we lose / gain?” “Where did the organization show up well during the pandemic?,” “What programs thrived, died, or sprouted?” To close the session I led the participants through some open questions such as “What has given you strength?,” “What was lost?,” “What are you mourning?,” “What would reset and renewal look like?” and “What do you need to leave behind to move forward?” Working through program-centered activities warmed folks up before the probing emotional-centered discussions. The final questions revealed the fragility of the people and that the organization needs to be vigilant on the nurturing the people and not just “flip a switch” with the return of old programing—and that new types of programs will be needed.
  • Planning – For another organization, I designed and led a five-hour in-person “regroup workshop.” I opened with a mindful moment with deep breathing, silence, and a mood check using images of animals. The following sessions moved from fun (personal, work, and team superpowers), operations (who does what when), analysis (good, bad, opportunities), and strategy (what is needed to succeed), and tactics (actions for improvement). We closed sitting around the table talking about being together in person as a team for the first time, the exhaustion, and how folks cope with the transition to hybrid from a lens of introverts and extroverts. Again, the final session uncovered the emotions that can hinder or help the pace at which the organization can emerge.

For teams and organizations to emerge, it’s essential for leaders to focus on people in a new way. Both directly with constant time spent building relationships, collectively sharing, modeling, and making space to ponder together, as well as systemically with benefits, resources, and culture.

Here are a few things I do to try to provide space for emotional emergence:

  • Set one-on-one “Connect Calls” – In the invite mention, “just setting aside time to connect as humans” with a focus on non-work topics
  • Set four-person “Coffee Chats” or “Cookies and Conversation” meetings on-line or in person where the conversation focuses on folks stories such as “How did you get to your current position?,” “What excites you outside of the office?,” “What are your superpowers?,” or “What are you read/watching/listening to?”
  • Open team meetings with either a mindful moment or open question.  
  • Watch how you answer the pervasive question, “How are you?” Fine isn’t a real emotion. To get off autopilot, pause, thank the person for asking, take a deep breath, see what your body tells you, and genuinely answer.
  • Be present in the moment, if someone reveals something emotionally centered or personally vulnerable in a meeting don’t gloss over it, pause, hear it, and thank person for sharing – then ask how others “feel about it.”
  • Offer a catch phrase folks can use to say they are overwhelmed and need space — but be sure to have a standard on when you can check-in or how they need to emerge; I’ve used “my basement is flooded” but then someone’s basement really flooded!
  • Set a private standing meeting with a peer who can support you, give you space to process.   

Emergence isn’t easy, so don’t forget to appreciate your hard work to help others while you sort through your own.

Books on a bookshelf

Book Reviews May 2022

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Recent books I read and listened to… happy reading!

Heavy by Kiese Laymon

This book is aptly named on so many levels… including how it made me feel while listening to the author share his story. It’s like he was able to transfer the weight of his life to me. The memoir is the unique mix of a personal letter to his mother, confession, and extended poem. Hearing it read by the author made it all the more personal. I will not hear or feel the phrase “black boy” the same way again after this book. Kiese’s raw autobiography covers sex, obesity, gambling, racism, and poverty. Thanks Joyce LaLonde for the recommendation.

Out of Office by Charlie Warzel and Anne Helen Peterson

Thanks to the referral by Paige Settles, I chose this book for the Grant Thornton Women’s Leadership Book Club read in May. While many folks are tired of working at home and most organizations struggle with what is next in terms of the “normal” work model – this book offers a good philosophical perspective on working remote. It exposes how current corporate work models do not benefit employees (and how they came to be from a historical perspective), as well as offers the challenge of what can be done around “productivity.” The authors also focus on not simply on where work is done (office or home) but more importantly how work is done – and needs to change.

She Persisted Around the World written by Chelsea Clinton and illustrated by Alexandra Boiger

My mother, an early child development expert, loves children’s book. On my last visit home, she snuck this book in my suitcase along with a note: “You are my ‘persisted queen’! You are my girl with superpowers! What a blessing to see you share your many amazing gifts! Keep persisting. I love you, Mom.” May everyone have someone in their life that encourages them to persist in their dreams, through challenges, and for a better community. May we all be that for someone else.

Feeding the Soul (Because It’s My Business):  Finding Our Way to Joy, Love and Freedom by Tabitha Brown

This is a must listen to book – you need to hear her warm, thick accent to get the full effect of Tabitha. Teammate Drew Lucas connected me with this inspirational book with a side of vegan recipes. Her story is one of faith, persistence, and being true to herself. Her cooking catch phrase, “cause that’s your business,” is a good reminder to us all to embrace our uniqueness and do what is right for us–and bravely follow our own called path.

The No Club: Putting a Stop to Women’s Dead End Work by Linda Babcock, Brenda Peyser, Lise Vesterlund, Laurie Weingart, and Gabra Zackman

When I saw Senator and severely wounded Army combat veteran Tammy Duckworth recommend this book, I immediately added it to my reading list. The authors wrote this book to help women understand the difference between promotable and non-promotable tasks (NPT) at work so they can choose wisely in terms of how they spend their time. This is, in fact a book for men and organization leaders. Putting the burden on the employee – especially young or professionals of color – to stand up against male and system ingrained biases is too much of an imbalance of power, and keeps women burdened by unvalued tasks. Women generally understand they are asked more often than their male counterparts to complete menial tasks, essential administrative work, and key initiatives that benefit the company but not their career goals. It’s time for leaders to more fairly allocate non-promotable tasks, and this book offers several solutions.

Golden acorn

Tonight, Plant Leadership Acorns

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Tonight, I shared my leadership advantage with participants in my Leadership Brand masterclass. Three advantages to be specific. A retired colonel. An entrepreneur and community advocate. A non-profit executive. Women who mentored me throughout my career. While I knew their stories, I’d never dedicated time to truly talk about leadership–let alone have them talk together. It was a bit like an episode of “This is Your Life,” the leadership edition.

Before tonight, I learned through their words backed by action. I learned through their direct, thoughtful feedback. I learned through choices. I learned through the opportunities they shared with me. I learned through what they tolerated and didn’t. I learned through their successes. I learned through their hard questions. I learned through their support.

Tonight, I continued to learn. Here are few of their “golden acorns” on leadership that really hit home:

  • “Make hard decisions.”
  • “Know yourself. Not just today but who you want to be. If you know who you want to be you can create a plan and take action to get there.”
  • In terms of how to prioritize personal / professional goals… “always check in with your values.”
  • “Never say can’t.”
  • “Collaborate”
  • “You decide your attitude at any minute in any situation.”
  • “Don’t let anyone decide for you.”
  • “Look for opportunities in any situation and take them!”
  • In terms of how to handle mess-ups… “acknowledge them, learn from them, and move on.”
  • “Be true to who you are.”
  • “Speak up”
  • “Use humor, make friends, and have fun!”
  • “Welcome a risk”

Tonight, I reconfirmed my commitment of time with emerging leaders. Time to get to know them personally. Time to listen to their bold goals. Time to amplify their impact and advocate for them. Time to share my network. Time to brainstorm. Time to laugh. Time to commiserate. Time to cheerlead. Time to pour into them how other leaders poured into me.

Tonight, I ask you to join me and plant your leadership acorns in others–and invest in the emerging leaders around you.

April 2022 Quote – “In a World that Wants You to Whisper, Yell!”

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As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For April 2022 quote was “In a world that wants you to whisper, yell!”

An odd thing happened this month… no quotes appeared. I was well into the third week of April and nothing. A blank page below my anchor quote. I was concerned. Had I not been fully present in conversations? Had I not really tuned in to my audible books? Had I been so self-absorbed or on auto pilot that I missed out? But then, as if my quote for the month came to life … I heard the universe yell. I guess I had missed the whispers.

A friend posted the following piece by Irish poet and philospher John O’Donohue. It filled not only my page, but me.

“At any time you can ask yourself:

At which threshold am I now standing?

At this time in my life, what am I leaving?

Where am I about to enter?

What is preventing me from crossing my next threshold?

A threshold is not a simple boundary; it is a frontier that divides two different territories, rhythms, and atmospheres.

Indeed, it is a lonely testimony to the fullness and integrity of an experience or a state of life that it intensifies toward the end into a real frontier that cannot be crossed without the heart being passionately engaged and woken up.

At this threshold a great complexity of emotion comes alive:  confusion, fear, excitement, sadness, hope.

This is one of the reasons such vital crossings were always colored in ritual.

It is wise in your own life to be able to recognize and acknowledge the key thresholds:  to take your time; to feel all the varieties of presence that accrue there; to listen inward with complete attention until you hear the inner voice calling you forward.

The time has come to cross.”

Thinking about my blank page, quoteless, I now realize I was simply standing at a threshold. Still. Perhaps blocking things out. Perhaps recharging my courage. Perhaps hiding. All was muffled before I took my direction. I was isolated so it took a huge quote to reach me – a universal yell.

Then quickly thereafter, I began to see and hear quotes again, such as:

  • It’s time to get back to you.
  • How can I trust when I have so much doubt?
  • Cook by the spirit.
  • Good friction.
  • The after is the before for the next during
  • Walk into your freedom.
  • Go where the energy is.
  • Let God blow your mind.
  • Don’t be bound by the residue of your past.
  • Run on and see what the ends going to be.
  • Give light and people will find the way.
  • Thank God I don’t look like what I’ve been through.
  • If nothing changes, nothing changes.
  • My soul woke up and I realized I was enough.
  • You give power to what you focus on.
  • Take a soul wander in the sunshine.

As for my standing at a threshold, I’ll share stillness was essential. The quietness helped me process the old and prepare for the new. The silence let the distractions fall away, both well intentioned wishes and naysayers. It also put me in a holding pattern, stagnant. But as if the universe knew I’d been alone with myself long enough, she sent one more message.

On the last day of the month, I spoke with a friend and former coworker. It was a meeting that had been booked over a month earlier. She asked me one simple question. One that caused the fog to lift and the threshold to appear.  What do you love?

Open book on a stack of books

March 2022 Quote – “A Word After a Word after a Word is Power”

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As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. The quote for March was “A word after a word after a word is power.”

While I cannot recall how this month’s quote by Margaret Atwood found me, there was an immediate connection. I’ve always been connected to words. Mom’s bedtime stories. “Where the Sidewalk Ends.” Journals that date back to elementary school. “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.” Dad’s sermons. “Angel’s and other Strangers.” High school newsletter editor. “Cold Sassy Tree.” Forensics team (with a fight song!). “Les Misérables.” Communications major. “Cat’s Eye.” TV news producer. “Thorn Birds.” Speechwriter. “Storyteller.” Facilitator. “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse.” Organization branding. “The Outpost.” Digital story telling. “How to Lead When You Don’t Know Where You’re Going.” Corporate leadership. “My Own Devices.” Non-profit board work. “The Book of Awakening.” Executive coaching. For me, words – written, spoken, or sung – matter. Words contain phenomenal power to educate, inspire, and change. Equally so, words can cut quickly and sear in lasting pain.   

Throughout March I collected several phrases that held power for me:

  • We can be with this
  • Nurturing the soul of business
  • The limits of my language are the limits of my world
  • Practice is everything
  • I felt the ground and took my place
  • The Willy Wonka shit-tunnel ride
  • A teacher affects eternity
  • Being relational
  • No Miss America answers
  • Good news of the soul
  • Life begins at the end of your comfort zone
  • Be curious not judgmental
  • Unconscious gingham
  • Take space and make space
  • I am
  • You’re going to turn into a novice over and over and over again
  • Offer humanity
  • Kindness is a way we live out grace in the world
  • Choice point
  • Be the love you feel now
  • Happy accident
  • A lesson in impermanence
  • The culmination of being
  • Boredom is your imagination calling
  • We’re all made of strength and struggle
  • Stop chasing squirrels
  • They wanted to bury us, but they didn’t know we were seeds

March is often a hard month for me… finding the energy to move out of winter. To shake off my slothiness. To push out of the dirt like a daffodil. Then, there was the literal emerging back into life as COVID restrictions changed—balancing my physical and mental health of in-person vs. remote. And then came war where words of disbelief, protest, and prayer didn’t seem to hold power against air strikes.

What helped nurture me back were the words of my community. A very loud, “Hello Emily!” when I walked into the small church chapel at 8:30am on a Sunday morning. The candid “girl chat” I had with a favorite co-worker when no one else joined the scheduled call. The insightful, silly, empowering, slow conversation with a co-worker turned bestie over several hours while consuming cheese, veggies, and dark chocolate. The “go great!” company e-card from a co-worker during our Spirit Week conveying appreciation of my allyship. The safe space a company leader provided when he set up time to connect on my career and spent 75% of the meeting listening. The positive reinforcement I got from my class “learning buddy” as I build my aptitude for meditation. The “woo woo” conversation I had with a co-worker as we left work deliverables behind and focused on life beyond consulting. The funny texted memes that always popped in at the perfect moment from friend and family.

As I think about all these and other words, I recall two suggestions for meaningful leadership that I recently read. First, one author starts every day with a personalized thank you email to someone in his company. Second, another author suggested color coding your calendar to track how often and how much time you spend connecting, supporting, or advocating for people in your organization (or life).

The words people shared with me in March made a difference. They encouraged me. They reinforced good behavior. They got me teary eyed. They motivated me. They comforted me. They made me laugh. They helped me. Their words were power.

How are you using your words in the world?

Emily and Bruce Reyes-Chow

Book Reviews March 2022

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Recent books I read and listened to… happy reading!

In Defense of Kindness (Why It Matters, How It Changes Our Lives, and How It Can Save the World) by Bruce Reyes-Chow

It seemed like the perfect book to kick off February, the month of love. While this is a secular book, my church, Westminster Presbyterian, chose it for its annual “desert and dialogue” event in which Bruce came and spoke. It’s always enjoyable to hear from the author firsthand. This book – or revolution manifesto – is so needed in our world now. Kindness is more than a gesture, but rather how we see, experience, and engage others. As Bruce writes, “To be kind is to accept that each person is a created and complex human being—and to treat them as if you believe this to be true.” This book covers being kind to those around us and ourselves, as well as provides everyday scenarios and how to bring more kindness to each experience, group, and organization. I carry with me from this book and his discussion the following quote, “Kindness is a way we live out grace in the world.”

Permission to be Human (The Conscious Leader’s Guide to Creating a Value-Driven Culture) by Mary Beth Hyland

I’m grateful Erica Beard recommended this informative and practical book which I read on my back porch in one day drinking hot tea under a blanket in early March rejuvenating my introvert. I liked reading the book outside with the birds chirping in the background and the first colors of spring around me. Values are both personal and organic – so being in nature thinking about how to determine and reinforce values seemed fitting. I think this book is a great read for new managers, change management consultants, executives in a new organization, or a leadership team because it clearly explains corporate culture; offers a clear, doable approach to identify an organization’s values; and shares leadership actions to help reinforce those values personally. The book includes a section on how mindfulness/meditation fit into leadership values to help a person be aware of their state inside the cultural system. Mary Beth provides a helpful section on boundaries, writing, “We often give our power over to what other people want from us instead of setting boundaries that help us ensure that we’re not constantly in a state of feeling overwhelmed.” This is also a helpful read for organization’s thinking about the “next normal” of a hybrid work structure and what values and corresponding behaviors are needed to support it

Will by Will Smith

I spent a good chunk of February walking each morning with Will Smith as his audible book is 16 hours long. I was surprised by this book in terms of how Will snuck so much into it. Not just from his amazing story from childhood trauma to the first rap Grammy ever and onto Oscar nominations, but the nuggets of perspective and wisdom. It was a casual listen with some big laughs. Listening to it was like hanging out with a long-time friend sharing stories over a few drinks. Some stories you reminisced together (thinking about his music with DJ Jazzy Jeff and show The Fresh Prince of Bel Air) and others were new from a more private vault that connected you more closely.

Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown

It’s hard to process all that is going on in the world, let alone talk about how it feels. In this book, Brene defines and explains 87 of the emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human. While she did a good job bringing the book and its content to life as the narrator, I recommend this as a tradition book read so you can really take the time to pause and reflect on each of the 87 definitions and what they mean to you. There is a lot of helpful, heavy, and provoking content to process.

What books do you recommend?

Another Resignation, 6 Questions for Leaders and Staff to Make the Most of It

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Last night as I cooked dinner, I sent a text to a co-worker. I was brief and to the point. First an avatar of my face with the mouth covered by black tape with “&$!#%” on it. Then, the comment “I heard your news.” His response was quick:  “Emily!” with a crying emoji face. What followed was a quick exchange of appreciation and encouragement with an employee who’d just given notice. I wanted him to know (1) I’d miss him, (2) that I was excited for his next career adventure, and (3) he could reach out to me any time in the future.

During my career, I’ve seen people and organizations respond oddly when someone resigns. I’ve never understood it. Career growth is a good thing—and inevitable. As a leader your purpose is to build technical experts, proficient managers, compassionate teammates, and bold dreamers who are empowered to step into their full potential. You should want folks to “leave the nest” as it means you helped shape the next generation of servant leaders. (But that doesn’t lessen the pain when a great employee leaves.)

When folks on my team resign – either for another position in the firm or to another organization – I set aside time to discuss the transition, as well as get feedback. Here are the key components of the conversation:

  1. What habits served you well that you want to keep? I think it’s important to help the person see the gifts and talents they take with them, then figure out how not to lose their magic in a new organization, role, or culture.
  2. What do you want to make sure you leave behind and how will you do that? Starting a new job is a great time to explore your boundaries and bad habits. Knowing what you want to change or prevent from reoccurring, and having a plan in place before your onboarding to breaking the cycle of things like calendar chaos, being over extended, not using 100% of your vacation, or doing things you outgrew.
  3. What will you do to rebuild your reputation? You are not a known entity at a new company. You must prove yourself, your skills, your value, your camaraderie, your creativity, all over to everyone. You must, however, take the time to understand the environment (culture) in which to do this. What served you well in your past organization could hinder you in another. I encourage you to patiently spend time learning the organization, its people, and how it operates—the spoken and unspoken rules. Then slowly step into things and let your light shine. Think 3-way light bulb revealing more and more of your talents over time, rather than all out disco ball on day one.
  4. What do you want to get out of this next experience? I think it’s important to be clear on not just why you left but what you want to get from the next job. Experience leading people? Financial management? Learn a new skill? Go deeper in your area of expertise? Work with a type of client? Start an initiative? Public speaking opportunities? What will improve you… stretch you… build on what you have so you’re ready for the next jump? The phrase I use is, “be selfish in how you use the job to get what you want and need – and do it in a way that also serves the businesses’ goals.”
  5. What do you need to succeed?  I believe the philosophical equivalent to this question is the statement “know thy self.” Any place you move to doesn’t know you and generally provides tools / approaches that work for the masses of employees. You need to know and advocate for what you need personally, from reasonable accommodations to how you engage with your supervisor (e.g., weekly touch base, being on-camera, debrief after major projects).  Set clear boundaries from the beginning. Don’t make folks demonstrate their lack of mind reading skills.
  6. How can you improve and better support the people on your new team? It’s important to take a moment to be self-reflective. Consider the framework:  Dazzle / Dang It. Under “Dazzle,” write down when and how you dazzled your teammates with your best self. This is not about “one-upsmanship” or having the spotlight but how you genuinely supported a person in your team. How did you help them grow, get to the next table, own the spotlight, move closer to a goal? Under the “Dang It” header, list missed opportunities for allyship, advocacy, and assistant of co-workers—and what you might do differently in the future.

I then ask for feedback of my performance, asking questions like: How can I improve? What could I do differently to support their replacement? What did I do that drove them crazy? What should I keep doing that was helpful?

In closing, I stress that I’m now a permanent part of their career journey. A long-term resource for venting, moral support, advice, or celebration. It’s important folks understand that a resignation is not an end, but rather the extension of a network of like-minded leaders. Leaders eager to help one another throughout career adventures—and couldn’t we all use a bit more of that?

Goldfish with shark fine with caption to be brave

February 2022 Quote – “You’ll Have To Do It Afraid”

Posted on by Emily Oehler2 Comments on February 2022 Quote – “You’ll Have To Do It Afraid”

As I set up my calendar for the month, I select a quote I’ve found that speaks to me. I write it in my planner and leave space below it to capture phrases I hear or read that speak to me and relate to the quote. I found this practice centers me for the month, and helps me be more present in my conversations, meetings, and readings. For February 2022, the quote was “Sometimes the fear won’t go away, so you’ll have to do it afraid.”

When folks ask what I do for a living, I often reply with a smile, “I get people to do things with words and pictures.” Technically, I help leaders, managers, and organizations communicate what is changing and why through storytelling, visuals, and data. My work centers on helping people in the change move from awareness and understanding to adoption and advocacy—bringing the change into being. The irony of my work is that I’m what most would call a last adopter. I joke that I give all my change energy to my clients and have none left for me. Truth is though, I love my comfort zone. I relish my habits. I like the safety of routine.

As I started February, my mind swirled with thoughts of change. Some I sought. Some thrust upon me. Throughout this reflective month I collected several phrases over the 28 days of February:

  • Embrace the messiness
  • Set your goal. Find your grit. Make your pearl.
  • You are a blessed piece of spirit dust
  • The only way out is through
  • Be authentic, bold, and vulnerable
  • Let down. Let go. The world will carry you.
  • Your wounded sight
  • Collide against illusion
  • If I can perceive things in a different way, I can experience things in a different way
  • At the core, we’re all whole
  • Turn to curiosity
  • The freshness of living
  • This is the God in you, bow to it
  • Be aware
  • It’s impossible to be unhappy when you’re grateful
  • Please take care of yourself at all times
  • You and now are a unique occurrence
  • Human changemaker
  • The energy of thanks
  • Get the hell out, no one is coming to save you
  • Be known for the excellence that you are
  • Move the damn rock
  • Wait for the freshness of the beginning to greet you
  • Look for reasons to say yes

Here I am on the other side of the month, as well as the other side of change. Were any of the changes monumental? No. As a change specialist, I know it’s the compilation of many small changes that make the difference and are sustainable over time. For me the change was more about how I showed up in order affect the change I want in the world. So, I stepped forward with my fear.

In an effort to help women in the work force tackle their fears and build their leadership skills and executive presence, I created a 6-week master class. Alone, I loved the class I designed and was eager to share it, but fear curbed my momentum. It delayed me from sharing the opportunity with my network. My own inner whisper of doubt gave me pause. Then I saw the phrases “human changemaker” and “turn to curiosity” and realized that if I was hesitant with 25+ years of professional and leadership experience – how might young 25-year-olds feel? How might they be held back? I could help. I quickly emailed an invitation before fear gripped me again and 10 women accepted!  We start in March.

In an effort to be more mindful and present in a slew of Teams calls each day, I began meditation the end of 2021 with the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) class. It was hard. I didn’t like it. I thought I wasn’t good at it. I didn’t sustain the practice. My resistance to change was strong and prevented me from taking the time to learn something new. I was “should-ing” all over myself. “You should do this daily.” “You should stop complaining.” “You should be able to quiet your mind.” “You should forget about this goal.” Then I saw the phrases, “wait for the freshness of the beginning to greet you” and “embrace the messiness” and I headed back to class to begin again. This time leaving my fear of failure – that I’d never be able to “get it” and sit quietly inside my head – behind. Excited to share, three weeks in, I led my first 10 minute “awareness of breath” meditation to the class and got rave reviews. I took advantage of that boost of confidence before any fear could sneak in and invited several coworkers to a meditation session I’ll lead in March – half accepted! By April, I’ll be a certified mindfulness facilitator in the workplace.

In an effort to build a sense of belonging at work, I’ve focused on how to be a better ally and advocate for DEI&A (diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility) by reading, getting a mentor, and hosting “brave conversation coffee chats.” When I facilitated a work meeting recently, someone asked the group why use the word belonging rather than employee engagement. I waited and waited and waited for someone to explain. As a facilitator I held back for someone in the room to respond. Silence. Then I realized my heart was pounding in double time. I was going to have to speak up. I could feel my fear. Fear of overstepping. Fear of explaining it wrong. Fear how I’d be perceived. And then I noted the phrase, “If I can perceive things in a different way, I can experience things in a different way” and I spoke up. I shared several of the stories I’d been told that affected how I perceived belonging. “If I belong, I can wear my hair naturally without judgement. If I belong, I can talk about my partner without concern. If I belong, I can speak freely without having to code switch to fit in.” When I stopped, someone said, “oh that makes sense” and then an African American woman confirmed, “What Emily said is true.” If I’d listened to my fear and remained silent, education might not have occurred. Perceptions might not have changed. I would not have been the ally I seek to be.

What I realized this month is that whenever I stepped into the fear there were supporters there to help me. I never had to overcome fear alone. The power of fear is that it keeps us isolated. Moving into fear brings you closer to a community of encouragement.

What’s your next fear-slaying move? Your support team is waiting.