So, there I was hanging out at the beach on vacation when I learned that Guidehouse purchased the company I work for. Ooof!

A year ago, my mind would have swirled incessantly … a hodge podge of questions … on replay. What I now know is rumination. It’s like burrowing down a dark hole of nonproductive “what if’s” that accentuate your fears, anxieties, and vulnerabilities. Over and over and over and over and over again. Hellish.

Now, not so much. The difference? Mindfulness, or rather meditation. I completed Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (or as my brother calls it “the raisin class” due to a class activity to meditate on a raisin with your 5 senses). I used an app for a daily meditation before bed. I found my favorite practice (Loving Kindness). I discovered my favorite anchor (holding my hands). I got certified as a mindfulness facilitator. I read about mindfulness and got a mindfulness mentor. I joined a weekly meditation community that starts this fall. I signed up for a mindful leader summit to learn how global organizations embed mindfulness within their company.

I still feel like an awkward newbie. My mind still wanders throughout every single meditation. While I feel better after, it stills feels a bit like a chore, a have to verse a want to. It’s work.

But I continue because in moments like your company being sold, I can feel the benefit. I’m not tangled up in concerns. I’m calmer – almost detached – and able to separate some from the uncertainty. I’m able to be in the present with my team — address things in the now rather than be consumed by the unknown. I don’t feel the tension in my body like I use to. Do I have concerns? Of course! Starting with a new firm always brings doubts and concerns. But now they are more balanced rather than a big stomach knot.

Yet, I continue to feel my meditation nemesis sneaking around, waiting for the opportunity to pounce and mess with my vibe. Oh, the damn expectations!  

I thought it would be like…

I thought the company would…

I thought it would have…

I thought leadership would…

I thought my team would…

I thought s/he/they would…

I thought I would be like…

I thought it would feel like…

You see, I continue to struggle to keep my expectations out of it. I expect actions. I expect responses. I expect interactions. I expect a vision built in my head. And with each expectation, needless disappointment follows close by.

The expectations whisper and stir up emotions. Emotions that derail me from being in the moment. Emotions that cause a less than ideal response. Emotions that cloud thinking. Emotions that drain.

But I continue my mindfulness habit because as Jonathan Lockwood Huie said, “a wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect.”